I found peace in Pittsburgh.
I’ve been RIDICULOUSLY frustrated lately. I try to be funny about the frustration, like telling my friend how I was going to flippantly look at my neurologist when I was asking about the medicine and how to tell if it was the medicine or me going, “The fuck were you thinking?” And we giggled. But in all reality, while I can find the irony of prescribing a medication that has side effects that mimic the symptoms of another condition the patient has, that’s what I would even go so far as to consider the primary diagnosis at the moment, I was pissed. The end. I had called before the more extreme symptoms started up asking how long I had to wait out side effects before deciding they were actually symptoms and got no answer, I was only told, “Just be patient and keep going.” It’s not like the woman had even told me that my topamax ran the risk of making me feel like I was in POTS hell. So I was swimming without a lifeguard – and I started floundering.
I do not like floundering.
I’m a control freak, I’ll admit it. I NEED to have control over something in my life right now. That’s why I have random obsessive moments where I force my kitten to “PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A WHILE” because I want to get everything organized and figured out. And I would like to be able to breathe while color coding. That’s just a tad bit difficult when my oh so stubborn kitten wants to be on top of me, and I’m allergic to him.
I just feel like if I have to put up with my body losing its autonomy, I still need to find autonomy in some way. In this case: being able to drive myself to my appointments and deciding who goes with me, being able to drive, seeing friends, etc. I’ve always been pretty independent of my family, taking myself to my own doctor appointments since I was licensed and going into them alone before that. So for my parents to suddenly take my decision to go to Cleveland alone away from me after both acted as though they wanted nothing to do with my trip before got to me. Especially as I had made plans to see a friend that lives near Cleveland when I thought I was going alone and now I may have to cancel because I was told, “You are not going alone,” and asked “Who put you in charge?” Don’t screw with my plans – you make me feel like I have no control over my life.
The good news is – when I came to hang out at Coffee Tree Roasters and kill some time a lot of that frustration started to dissipate. I’m just sitting here enjoying the free internet, being a rebel by drinking a decaf frozacino, and waiting for it to be time to dance. I seriously need to find a way to teleport. Then I could be in Pittsburgh on the daily and feeling good about things more often, and without wasting gas.