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July 31, 2013 / Ang

“I’m feeling… Not okay.”

If you ever hear this phrase come out of my mouth, chances are you may need to catch me if I don’t sit or lay down immediately. And honestly, last night led me to learn that even if I lay down I might not regulate – and to me, that’s a problem.

I’m not sure what happened to cause it or if my body just SUCKS, but suddenly last night I started feeling like I felt on the tilt table. There weren’t really any of my usual pre-syncope symptoms, I just went from slightly foggy – I’m pretty sure I had been considering sleep, to pretty much everything about me feeling weak and numb. Even my lips were tingling. I had been going to check my numbers anyway I think, or maybe I started noticing the feeling and that’s why I wanted to check. Instead of my heart rate being sky high as usual, it was only in the 70s. And my blood pressure was like 100/57 or something like that. It didn’t seem THAT bad. So I decided I must have caught my numbers mid-crash, was extremely grateful that the numbers finally came up because I was having a silent argument over whether it was better to screw up the numbers by sitting or get a decent read because I felt like I would collapse at any moment. As soon as the numbers came up I was DOWN. I didn’t even walk the rest of the way to my bed, I laid down on the couch and crossed my ankles then and there.

I didn’t feel like anything was changing, though. I decided I was jumping into bed, and just that much effort had my heart rate jumping to 160. But hey, whatever. I was in bed. And I curled up with my blanket and tried to feel better. But it wasn’t going up – it actually went lower. It was down to 90/46 at one point. And I was so cold that I was convinced I had to be running a fever. Nope. It was just that my body temperature dropped even lower than normal.

I seriously just laid in bed using my phone because I didn’t even have the energy to reach for my laptop, trying to feel better. And eventually I reached for my laptop because I knew that it would be easier than trying to help one of my kids using my phone exclusively. And the only thing I really had to say was, “I’m feeling really not okay.”

There are times when someone asks how I am or how I’ve been that I’ll just laugh and say I’ve been exhausted or I’m okay or something like that. Occasionally – like with how miserable this stone surgery experience has been I’ll admit that I’m feeling a little like shit. But when the only words I can come up with are “not okay” and I’m shaky not just emotional – I feel like that’s a big flashing danger sign. And it took until last night to realize it.

PS: I’m now waiting to hear if there’s anything other than laying down and hydrating that I can possibly do when I’m feeling that low and nothing is changing with my change in position.

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