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August 19, 2013 / Ang

Letting Go

There are so many ways in which I feel like sometimes it’s important to just let go. The main thing I want to talk about is letting go of whatever it is that keeps you from expressing how you feel. It’s hard to capture what I mean succinctly, so just read on and hopefully you understand where I’m coming from.

A little over a month ago I got home from my sister’s house and I saw some Facebook posts that talked about how people need to be forthcoming with their feelings because you never know when it will be too late to tell someone that you love him or her. I was a little confused but I assumed that the person had lost someone who was close to her and decided to give her space because I didn’t want to pry. Afterward, I saw an article about a woman who was killed in a motorcycle accident but was unidentified because her family hadn’t been notified yet. I started to get a bad feeling about things, and it turns out that I was right to. The status I saw was in regards to the woman who was killed, and I knew who it was.

I wasn’t close friends with her, but I used to go into the coffee shop just for the chance to see her and ask how she was doing, not because I actually drank coffee (until after she sold it) or because I wanted my chai. Don’t get me wrong: the chai was amazing and I LOVE it. It was just nice to walk in and see her smiling face. Even after she sold the shop she still worked there, and so did a friend of mine, so I would randomly go to the coffee shop for the sake of socialization. I have a business card that I had because it got me a discount (yeah being a student!) but the reason I’ve kept it so long is that one day she couldn’t find the stamp so she just busted out a sharpie and drew me a cute little coffee cup on the back of the card where she ordinarily would have stamped it. I don’t understand why, but it absolutely delighted me. Because I got such a kick out of the drawn coffee cup I just never got rid of it; the card has been transferred from wallet to wallet and I still have it.

The woman’s family is nearby, but by that I mean most of her family is actually about an hour away. They obviously chose to have the memorial ceremony at a funeral near her family rather than here in the town where she has been living for a few years. When I heard that information I was admittedly disappointed because I wanted to pay my respects, but I made a remark that maybe it would be nice to have a candle light memorial ceremony so that people in the area could also pay respects and grieve. The woman I had that conversation with brought it up in the memorial group on facebook, and someone else elected to take on the responsibility of setting one up. The memorial ceremony took place nearly a month after Kelly died, last Sunday.

The ceremony was great. I wasn’t really sure what to expect at first, but there was a decent-sized crowd (surprisingly I didn’t know many of the people there by name). We had the candles and plastic holders that kept wax from dripping onto hands, someone was playing an acoustic guitar, and they had a few people speak.

While people shared memories and talked about how she wasn’t here but could watch us from Heaven I had a hard time holding in my tears. I didn’t feel as though it was very fair of ME to lose it there when she had family there who seemed to be keeping it together. So I simply walked away alone, quietly, after we blew our candles out and tried to keep it together as I walked home.

It dawned on me that night that I hadn’t cried at all until that night. I’m not sure why, there’s a part of me that thinks maybe I was just too shocked. I’m going to be honest, though: You shouldn’t hold feelings in like that. Having the chance to cry and really mourn rather than just skating through life in a daze is necessary. So whatever it is that’s holding you back from feeling your emotions: Let go. In the long run it’s a much better situation for you, even if at the time you hate yourself for crying.

You should also let go of whatever has been keeping you from being happy. I don’t know if you’re in that situation at all – but if you ever are, try to work through and let go of your fears, guilt, anger – whatever it is that’s holding you back. Allow yourself the freedom of expression. Feel happiness and allow yourself to share it.

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