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August 26, 2013 / Ang

School

Tomorrow is the start of the semester at the university that I’ve been attending for the past four years. It feels so weird to watch everyone else talking excitedly on facebook about how they just moved in, they’re so excited to see friends, and they’re excited about specific classes or need to start implementing an earlier bedtime for classes. Meanwhile I’m sitting here wondering about my body temperature changes and curious as to why I feel nearly feverish even though my body temperature isn’t very high right now. 

This is so weird, honestly. I made a responsible decision by choosing to take time off from school – I really don’t have the time or presence of mind to be attending classes on campus right now. I have a lot of upcoming appointments (at least three in September alone) and I would have to miss classes in order to go to them. I’m also nervous about if I would start having syncope symptoms on campus again since I’m not living there this year. It’s not like I can get a few yards from my residence hall, realize I feel like I may pass out, and turn tail to go back to bed. That’s especially a concern because I found out earlier this year that if I were ever to lose consciousness on campus an ambulance would be called and I would be taken to the local ER even if I could explain it because it’s campus policy. This happens even if I can explain to everyone ahead of time that I run that risk and why – it’s annoying and frustrating. I don’t want the fear of being taken by ambulance to add to the stress I already have.

So, between my fear of syncope on campus, the appointments I have coming up, and an assortment of other things including being a stress case – no school for me. This is the weirdest thing, though, watching all of my friends move on with their lives to attend grad school or returning to their undergraduate studies and not being a part of the fuss. Instead of seeing friends on campus or in class I have to make special trips to town for the sake of visiting and see when people are free.

I’m going to miss the college experience this semester – in a way. But at the same time, I know it’s the right decision. Especially because I don’t have my new plan of action worked out yet. In the meantime, I’ve started taking classes for free online just for the sake of feeling like I’m doing something. Yes, I’m that girl. Sorry. I’m a nerd and I love it. I can’t handle not learning anymore, so I’m just taking whatever classes I feel like. Right now I’m taking an online algebra course that is far too easy for me – but I signed up for it and now I’m going to finish it. After that I’ll just continue to plow through the math classes that are available and figure out when things are a challenge again. Then I’ll know approximately how stressful math classes at school are going to be if I get my way and start a math education certification program.

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2 Comments

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  1. Christine / Aug 26 2013 4:30 pm

    You’re brave! I know it’s hard. I feel SO lucky that these health problems didn’t strike me until after I finished college.

    You definitely made the right decision, but I know, it stings sometimes.

    • Ang / Aug 26 2013 11:16 pm

      Thanks for your support! I know I made the pragmatic decision. I handled things the right way. It’s just hard watching all of my friends move on with their lives as I’m stuck in this POTS-induced limbo. I should have graduated and started down my career path – and instead I got sick.

      Everyone else is talking about classes or parties, etc, and I’m figuring out if I have all of my symptoms written down and figured out for my appointments, considering re-writing and color-coding my “binder o medicine,” and making sure that my calendar is up to date with appointments. To have a calendar with social activities and due dates rather than appointments and tests would be beautiful.

      I know this is life and I accept that – there’s just a part of me that wishes I didn’t have to. When I started last semester before getting my worst and having to withdraw from student teaching I had high hopes that this would finally be “my healthy semester.” It seems like a cruel trick of fate, you know?

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