I mentioned in an older post that I’ve struggled with disordered eating throughout much of my “adult” life. And the truth of the matter is that I honestly don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg – in this case the digestive issues or the lack of eating. It’s just been too long with far too much going on to be keeping track of small details.
I’ve been fighting for a long time. Sometimes it’s nice to slide back into, familiar like an old friend. Stressed? Freaking out because of insecurities? Not hungry anyway? Okay, why bother eating? Just wait it out… Dangerous habit. I know.
And that’s why I’m a little scared right now. I’ve been falling into the trap of eating like once a day just because I’m never hungry and I feel sick a lot of the time when I eat. Then you throw in the fact that I have to keep track of my dietary intake (I use myfitnesspal). It’s just a bit of a mess. I get obsessive about things sometimes, and this is one of those things. Keeping track of my numbers has me paying attention to my numbers. And I’m torn. Because there’s a part of me going “Get them down down down and watch the number on the scale go down.” But the logical part of me has been going, “No. Stop it, you idiot. The numbers need to go UP. You’re netting less than a thousand calories daily without even thinking about your body’s normal metabolic processes and the calories those take. Do you WANT to go into starvation mode again?”
I’ve been exercising a lot lately too. Originally I thought that I would get into it just for the sake of being able to claim I wasn’t deconditioned. Then it became about figuring out exactly how conditioned I could be, and in the process – how small I could become. It’s not even necessarily because of the anorexia but just out of sheer curiosity. I would LOVE to get fit and be able to argue that I’m in great shape and there’s no denying it – no chance I’m just deconditioned. But I know myself – I know even when it seems like I’m just doing something out of curiosity, it might not be that easy.
The other day I was driving home and I started FREAKING OUT and readjusting how I was sitting every few seconds because I could feel my stomach touching. And my immediate reaction was, “Well it’s a good thing I’m doing ab work almost daily. I wonder if I could up my reps and start feeling better…….” And then today I had on a pair of shorts that weren’t gym shorts or being worn over my compression hose for the first time in a while and I sat there going, “I don’t remember them being this tight. But I thought I lost almost an inch. This is weird……” And almost convinced myself that it was okay because I was working on my thighs and they would keep getting smaller so I should just keep working and I would get smaller eventually.
BAD. THOUGHTS. And that terrifies me. I thought I was making some progress – but lately it feels like everything is two steps forward one step backward (or worse, one step forward two steps backward). And while it feels that way with everything I feel like my eating difficulties (and GI troubles that are definitely contributing right now) are just about the worst part of my life this lack of progress is going to.
I just want to be healthy again. And so I’ll continue keeping track of things, working out, hoping for the best. I just hope I can keep the anorexia at bay. If I’m doing things right that counts, right? Maybe?
Oh, and, I forgot to mention part of what scares me about this aside from the impact it can have on my already screwed up health. I’m worried that it gets to the point that I have to tell one of my friends – a friend who doesn’t already know, who hasn’t already seen me through breakdowns over eating. I HATE having to tell people and asking for support to begin with, but I’m especially not a huge fan of the idea because it’s just another way in which I’m broken. The scariest person to reveal this to would be a friend of mine that I’ve known for years who is either oblivious or who is being sweet enough not to call me out. And I’m really afraid that he finds out. He knows a lot of things that have gone wrong with my past relationships. He knows that I have baggage and that I worry about its effect on things. But he’s so sweet and encouraging and this is just one more piece of baggage I would much rather leave in the past. I told him the other night when we were talking about someone from my past that part of why it was so hard to fight against the spell the guy had me under was that it felt like he knew me better than I did and was able to call me out on some things. And then I said, “But I’m really hoping that what he called me out on is just another piece of baggage that can hopefully be left in the past.. So it stays a secret unless you figure it out.”
I don’t want him to figure it out. I don’t want him to know how broken and screwed up I really am. To date he remains convinced I’m not as messed up as I feel like I am and I’m okay with that.