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September 6, 2013 / Ang

Fear: An Addendum

I started writing that post early this afternoon. Well, I got interrupted. Ironically by a call that just confirmed my fears. I decided I wasn’t taking the time to delete and re-write, though. It wouldn’t be as authentic. You needed to see the real fears and the thought processes – not the things I glossed over.

My tests came back normal. I was really worried that they would. And I didn’t want them to. I would rather have had the tests come back abnormal and have a REASON that I feel this way and my labs came back that way. Now it feels like that was just more time, effort, and money wasted.

I’m still scared. I actually lost it enough to finally cry as I was getting off the phone with the woman from the office. All I want is to know what’s wrong. And after crying? I indulged in a petulant facebook status. I thought I deserved to.

I sort of scolded healthy people. It’s not their fault that they’re healthy. But to the ones who are complaining about classes and stuff like that when they have so much going right for them? PFFT. Done. Trade me lives. I’ll gladly take on only having the stress of classwork and no health problems. Have fun realizing what a hell it is to be going through chronic illnesses and not having a clue what’s going on.

There’s more going on. There was some drama with my symptoms flaring, my stepdad being a jerk, etc. I think he just doesn’t get how debilitating things feel on the bad days sometimes. And I’m not just talking about more typical 22-year-old girl talking to a guy fears (although, yeah, they exist haha). I have another big post coming either tonight or tomorrow to address one of the things freaking me out more in depth.

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