Sometimes I hide.
Sometimes it’s easier to just hide. And believe me, there are a lot of things I hide from time to time. Do you remember my post about anorexia? I shared that with you guys, but unless my friends are reading this blog I can assure you there are still friends with no idea – or they simply speculate and have no proof. I had to come clean to my residence hall director about it last year after someone came to her worried about me and she honestly didn’t believe them at first because she knows I like to cook. See? Cook for other people and share your food – and people remember those days more than they remember that you don’t necessarily have those days on the regular.
I’m conflicted about sharing things sometimes. If I’m having a bad day health-wise I might try to keep my details to myself. I don’t want to complain about how I’m feeling and have someone think that that’s all there is to me – although I confess that some days even I wish there were more going on in my life because I feel that way on occasion. Everything in my life revolves around my illnesses lately. Dance? I’ll try to be there – but if I’m having a bad day or I have appointments that day (or maybe the next) I may not make it. My daily decision to go to the gym, or for a long walk around town if the gym is closed, revolves around whether I feel like I have the energy or I’m willing to risk the pain. Some days it’s actually BECAUSE of the pain. I had some pain the one day last week that had me going, “That’s it. I’m done. Time to hide forever,” but when I had to walk around town running errands the pain started to subside so I decided I was going to the gym to escape from it entirely. But if I can help it – I don’t necessarily share that logic. There’s a part of me that feels as though some people in my life should probably know about the anorexia; last year I went to someone I was close with who had figured it out for himself and begged him to help keep me responsible about my eating. But honestly, I don’t want to go that route right now. I have some friends who don’t understand why I don’t show off more of my body and I just dodge the question or make a remark about how, “when I’m satisfied which I’m working on I’ll share it.” I got made fun of by one of the girls Friday night for being a spinster – she only ever sees me at dance. I wear shorts other times, and I talk about certain things with specific people in my life. I may be prudent about keeping my body covered a lot of the time because I’m not the biggest fan of it, but it doesn’t always prevent me from living my life. Yes, I don’t understand how best friend face can be attracted to me – but I’m not going to let that stop me from enjoying his company or trying to look nice when we FINALLY get to see each other again. And clearly I don’t let that stop me from texting him saying, “I wish you were here,” sometimes. Because I did wish that he were here – I wanted to hold his hand and rest my head on his shoulder and simply be cute. Apparently he thought it was adorable. But whatever.
If my baggage is relevant, sometimes I share it. There are things he needed to know about me so that he could understand my reactions to certain things. But there’s baggage I don’t want to share too. The other day I wanted to cry because my stepdad had me going – but instead of texting him like I wanted to I just stored it away, maybe talked to someone else. I know that sometimes my life seems shitty – I don’t want to burden other people with the weight on my shoulders, so I either hide it or I vent in some group where I know people will empathize or be encouraging but I don’t have to put it on the people I know well. Then it’s, “Well they read it and elected to respond,” not “I’m forcing other people to listen to my problems and share my burdens.”
Unfortunately – as easy as it is to hide what’s really bothering me sometimes, it’s not always possible to hide that something is going on. I’ve received messages saying, “GET UNNERVOUS” or “You’re rambling. You’re nervous.” But at least until I decide to share what’s going through my head (like I did yesterday about being afraid of falling for him but being glad he’s my best friend again and we have this absurd dynamic) I get to hold onto whatever is bothering me. Just like I’m going to with something I realized recently. It might fester and get to me for a while, but at least I don’t have to share it and look like an idiot.
I hide at dance too. I have MAJOR trust issues that can affect my following sometimes. A friend/instructor has been asking me to dance with my eyes closed for years, but I don’t like to do it. He called me on the trust issue front a few months ago but I haven’t had to do it until we were in a workshop this weekend. If it weren’t for the workshop no one would have ever known that dancing with my eyes closed terrifies me. And they wouldn’t know that it’s a combination of not always trusting my partner (which is sad because I trust some of the people I’m still weird about dancing with my eyes closed with with my life) and not trusting myself to be able to dance well enough without visual cues. Sometimes I like to hide how insecure I am by putting on false bravado too – if I seem REALLY confident and surprisingly so, there may be a chance that it’s to cover up how awkward I am underneath it all.