Last night I seriously struggled to remember what I was talking about with my one friend. There were a lot of “ummms” and trying to remember the topic of conversation so that I could voice whatever sentiment it was that had fled my mind. It was KILLING ME. I think I was just tired. Maybe it was brain fog. Maybe it was both – in either case, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. Hopefully my mind starts cooperating more in the future.
My Jarhed and I made a friend for the night! Except not really. We just talked to her for a while. She was in the booth behind ours at the diner, but she went back to State College so we may never see her again. She was fun, though! Befriending strangers on a late night run to a diner – what has my life become, a sitcom?
I’m very disappointed with Lock Haven University’s athletics website because I clicked on the link to the invitational they’re hosting today and arrived at the site. The site had these fun buttons that tricked me into thinking I would either get to read the live stats or watch live video. I was excited, I could talk to my friend about his race informed this time! Nope. Didn’t happen. So now I have to wait for him to tell me how things went and be clueless about whether or not that’s good and where his time falls in relation to the others’.
I’m not noticing a big change with the metropolol yet, but I WAS told it may take a month to get my body to start reacting. And if my body starts reacting it’s probably because my dose has been titrated upward. Right now I’m on the baby dose of the extended release form and other than seeing spots a lot again I’m not noticing any changes. My heart rate about twenty minutes ago was over 150 still.
Doctors are NOT NICE sometimes. I understand he was trying to watch out for me, but saying “You heart is going to wear itself out if it keeps going like this,” was not the best choice he could have made.
I’m still trying to work out anyway. I’ll hopefully be dancing tonight. I’m just always so exhausted lately. It’s awful. I’m holding out hope to have energy. I know I can’t have caffeine because it defeats the purpose of the metropolol – but I REALLY want some caffeine right now. GIVE ME COFFEE OR GIVE ME DEATH WARMED OVER. Oh, wait, I AM death warmed over – that’s why I want coffee.
I started reading Raising My Rainbow (the blog, not the book) obsessively the other day. I have finally gone through every post that’s still there. I feel like I’m missing chunks of information so there must be posts that magically disappeared. It was amazing to look into someone’s life like that. Especially the life of such great parents. Unfortunately, after reading some of the more recent posts, it has come to my attention that the story that inspired one of my “HEY THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW HATE IS EVIL” posts might have been a hoax. Hoax or not, however, it’s still a valid conversation. Let’s not forget that EVERYONE is a person – no matter the differences present.
Every so often I like to talk about how different countries are better than ours. Usually I’m referencing Sweden, Norway, etc. And I’m almost positive I read somewhere that another country had gender-neutral pronouns. I KNOW there’s a third “gender” that’s actually genderless in other countries. I wish we could adopt their ways some days. A genderless pronoun or title would be beautiful.
Do you guys know the difference between sex and gender? It’s easy. I have a vagina. My sex is female. I’m cool with that. My gender? Eh – I’m not all that feminine, but I’m also not overly masculine. I tend to say that I fall somewhere in the middle (“my personality is fairly androgynous”) but that I am indeed female. Sometimes I have “girly” moments where I want to look pretty to impress a guy, I’ll admit that. But I also love sports, both playing and watching. I very much ascribe to the belief that gender is a social construct. I’m a female, but I’m not “feminine” for the most part. I just exist – that’s how it is.
After reading about C.J. I realize how lucky I was to be born a girl who just liked boyish things as a child. I got away with wearing clothing that was “gender neutral” but was probably more boyish from time to time, but my mom also dressed me up as a girl sometimes. Given the choice though? I was usually wearing shorts and t-shirts that could have gone either way and if it weren’t for my long blonde hair may have been mistaken as a boy a lot when I was young. It’s so much more socially acceptable for a girl to be a “tomboy” than for a boy to enjoy things that are seen as “feminine” and that sucks. It’s been an argument I’ve made for years by now – including with a professor whose wife coincidentally is a member of PFLAG, and I had no idea when I first went there with this professor. He loved how outspoken I was – he’s one of my favorites.
I think I’m running out of steam. There was almost definitely something else I wanted to talk about and I’ve just completely lost it. I apologize.
I REMEMBERED THINGS. I want to talk about serving others. Someone remind me. I have this huge spiel about community service and why it’s great. It also ties in with the fact that I’ve recently signed up on a website that matches patients with researchers to try to (I’m missing a verb I can’t think of here) make it easier for research to happen.
Cleaning when you’re tired and spacing out sucks. I don’t want to do it. But I think I have to. I WILL SURVIVE.
Seriously. If you have spare energy you want to send my way feel free. I’ll accept it with open and loving arms.
I'm a 22-year-old taking a break from school to try to put the pieces back together again. Life's a puzzle. Eventually I'll get it figured out and be able to handle my classes without extreme fatigue or dizziness, get my degree, and join the real world.