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November 6, 2013 / Ang

“This is too easy.”

My life is rough, I’ll admit it. But it feels too easy for me at the moment. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

I’m 22. I should be “an adult,” out living my own life with a career and a place of my own. Maybe struggling to make ends meet. Instead I’m living with my parents. My hardships are running errands when I don’t want to, getting frustrated with my parents when they’re eating but I’m fighting off a headache and don’t know what to eat because they apparently decided to fend for themselves. And my health. That’s a huge one. But I don’t want this to be the rest of my life. I want to be a big girl.

I had my first cardiac rehab session today and all I could say while doing the nustep (which is essentially a seated elliptical) was, “This is just too easy…” I feel like I’m not being challenged, and it’s killing me. I want to do a workout that makes me feel weak afterward because then I know I was pushing myself.

Honestly, I just want to be “normal,” not worried about if I’m making things too hard on myself by trying to be.

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2 Comments

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  1. Christine / Nov 7 2013 10:38 am

    HUGS!! I can’t imagine how hard this must be on you. I was lucky enough to get sick in my late-30s.

    But please, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re not lazy – you’re struggling with major health problems. There’s a BIG difference.

    • Ang / Nov 7 2013 11:08 am

      I think it’s just hard to reconcile who I see myself as: an academic unafraid of a challenge, relatively athletic, and always doing SOMETHING, to this girl who hasn’t done much in terms of community service lately, fights being the doormat because she’s just too tired, etc. I feel like an entirely different person lately because my body won’t allow me to be my overachieving self. And I’m absolutely convinced the mild progress I’ve made is nearly entirely due to changing who I am (which I’m sick of); I’m just too scared to make myself that sick again too.

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