Let’s face it: I have too much time on my hands. When a person, particularly a somewhat introverted person, has too much time on his or her hands that may result in thinking too much. In this case, it definitely does.
I feel as though tons of things in my life are changing. Sometimes I’ll admit to being TICKED OFF about it. Let’s face it, it is NEVER easy for someone whose personality type is occasionally a curse (because honestly, who chooses to spread themselves too thin, commit to everything, cover for other people, and carry the weight of the world on their shoulders while attempting to be an overachiever by choice?) to start changing. I mean, yeah, in some ways life is easier now. I’m not stressing myself out over straight As, worried about why it feels like I’m not retaining information, or trying to do everything for everyone while already a stress case for myself. That’s a perk, right? It’s just rough because it feels so antithetical to myself. I’m rational and logical enough to realize that this illness is a wake up call. I can no longer burn the wick at both ends. I’m going to burn out quickly to begin with, but I’ll burn out even faster if I keep that up. I need to make myself a priority – for now, that means putting my health first.
I’m not entirely sure sometimes how to make myself a priority because the things that make me happy are things like baking cookies to share, taking care of other people, volunteering my time to worthy causes, helping my kids, and so on. I’ll admit to that. It seems like if I want to do something that makes me happy chances are I’ll actually be doing something for someone else, which seems as though I would really be putting myself on the backburner. It’s crazy and a conundrum, I’ll admit that.
I’m noticing a change in myself, though. I can now ENJOY just taking a day for myself when I’ve got a headache, or I’m dizzy, or something like that to just relax. I’ll sit at home, watch Doctor Who, nap as I can, and rejoice in the relaxation. It used to be that I wouldn’t really allow myself the time to relax unless I absolutely had to – so that’s a good thing.
And there are times when I realize that in a way I AM putting myself first. For instance, one of my friends – someone I was once REALLY close to, was posting earlier about how no one likes him. In the past, I probably would have jumped in and assured him that I do. The reality of the situation is that right now I do NOT like him though. I care about him because it’s hard not to care about someone you could have loved, but I do not like him. I don’t like his choices, I don’t like how he seems immature, and I don’t like that I was giving him everything I could and trying so hard only to be left behind the instant a girl who was nearby started talking to him as more than a friend. I don’t like that for months I heard about how relationships were overrated and I allowed him to have this opinion because I knew that he had been through a lot, but it turned out to be a defense mechanism not to avoid being hurt again as I assumed, but because no one was close enough for the relationship to be easy. I didn’t bother to tell him that the easy relationship isn’t always the best. Instead I tried to fix things and when he didn’t put in effort as well I finally said, “Screw it. I’m not dealing with this. ‘I need to go. I’m not going to sit here and beg you to talk to me and I’m getting really upset so I think I’ll beg Jarhed to let me cry. You can text me whenever – the ball is in your court.'” Since then, I’ve been really well behaved about it. I haven’t sent him a text, I haven’t tried to talk to him on facebook, I actually even hide his stuff from facebook because I can’t be bothered to deal with the annoyance of it. And yes, I said annoyance. He had me thoroughly convinced for a while that he was worth my time, but I see the things he’s tagged in or posting lately and all I can think is, “What made me think we could ever work out?” I’m still not sure if I was just blind and I’m finally seeing him for who he is again or if he was actually more mature again and then reverted when he started dating a freshman.
I’m glad to realize that I’m not just going to fall into his trap again any time soon, that I’m avoiding a different person for my own benefit again, and so on. They’re great changes for me. The giving up on relationships front – I’m not sure if that’s as great of a change. But for now I can’t be bothered to keep investing myself emotionally and finding out after the fact that it wasn’t worth the energy or resultant pain.
I’ve also noted personal evolution in regards to religion. Once upon a time I seriously planned to become a minister. I thought I would go into youth ministry. I’m not positive why I thought it would be such a great fit anymore, I just did. Now? I’m a “heathen.” I sin and I don’t care. Honestly my thought process on matters as of late is, “You just need to be a good person.” If I’m still kind and loving, if I’m altruistic by nature and not for recognition, if I’m as dependable as I possibly can be with this illness, who gets to tell me that I’m a bad person just because I don’t profess a faith in his or her god? Am I a terrible person because I ACTUALLY love and respect those people that Christians tend to preach against? I don’t think so. I’ll admit that I actually get feisty in regards to “Christians” lately. It irritates me to see someone who claims to follow the original hippie’s teachings preach against other people, complain about charity, so on and so forth. And so my judgy pants come on. It’s a fault of mine, honestly.
And lately? As much as I want to get better and get back to my life RIGHT NOW, there’s a part of me that just wants to give up. I’m tired. I’m tired of putting so much effort into finding answers without doctors helping me. I look at doctors and I say, “I want to be able to get back to life, not continue to put life on pause because it keeps my symptoms more in check,” and they just say, “We’ll see you in three months,” then put something on my discharge papers about how i would benefit from a psych follow up. I don’t think it makes me crazy to think I could return to my life and that I should be true to myself instead of allowing an illness to change who I am. I just also don’t know if I actually have enough energy left to continue fighting with everything I’ve got when it’s starting to seem as though none of my doctors are on my team. I’m hoping that my PCP understands where I’m coming from if I let this come tumbling out since he’s been so understanding about everything else so far.