Just My Luck
Hi. Have you heard my catchphrase recently? No? You must be new.
I’m a hot mess.
That’s the truth, and an awesome catchphrase in my opinion. Seriously, it’s just a great conversational piece. It’s diverse! I can use it to mean, “I’m a hot mess. My body does all kinds of crazy stuff.” Or, I can use it for: “I’m running late, I forgot stuff at home, I look ridiculous. I am such a hot mess.” Right now, “I’m a hot mess” means I’ve had a pretty emotional day. To continue with the humor: Seriously, today was the hot mess express.
I don’t seem to have much luck with my love life. I’ve done a lot of the BAD relationships. Not even, “Oh, my boyfriend is terrible because he doesn’t love me enough,” or whatever. Instead it was more along the lines of, “Well he was emotionally abusive and threatened physical abuse;” “I thought he was the one person I could trust – he knew me even better than I knew myself, but that turned out to be a mistake. Hello taking advantage of my weaknesses for self-serving purposes;” “Seriously, who says that someone has something about them that makes the person want to hurt them?” That kind of thing. My love life was just ridiculous. Romance and I are like oil and water – or more appropriately, the “men” I’ve dated were just bad news bears.
I seriously have nightmares about it sometimes. They’re not good nightmares. They’re not just social anxiety or, “Oh, I’ll never get married – woe is me,” they’re honest to goodness nightmares that I realize must be associated with the way I’m feeling about the way guys act lately. But hey, it’s whatever. I’ll work through it. I always do.
Anyway, today was one of those days that made me hate trying to trust and how my history plays into things. I’m sure most girls would be ticked off after having been ignored for the better part of a month, especially when there’s no good explanation, but for me trying to keep my composure over the past few weeks has felt nearly impossible at times. I seriously told my best friend the other night that I was trying to figure out if the shot or my anxiety was making me feel sick to my stomach the other night. I still haven’t figured out which it was for sure. As angry as I am about it, I’m mostly angry that I decided to take a risk and open up and then wound up being ignored after showing my vulnerable side. It made me feel used in a way, or as if I wasn’t good enough because I’m not perfect – not a great feeling. Throw in the sneaking suspicion that I was manipulated by our mutual friend (usually known as my rock)? Yeah. I cried. I was angry enough to say I was angry and want to yell at people for being stupid instead of just being sarcastic. I tried to put on my tough act. “You know, I’m done with this. You can get in touch with me if you want to – but I’m not wasting my effort in the future.” Um. Let’s face it. I’ll probably cave and try to talk to him again at some point. But I’m going to try to keep being tough for a while first.
If he reads the six page heartfelt, I cried while I wrote it, letter and doesn’t say a single word? I’ll either be heartbroken or irate. I’m hoping for the second option. Even more, I’m hoping he says something and it opens the path to communication. “I made myself vulnerable enough to let you know why trusting people and dealing with being ignored for weeks on end puts me on edge, you can be there.” Sound logic, right?
Well, to every cloud there is a silver lining. I was feeling low/angry enough to post on facebook. “I DON’T cry easily. I’m so over this.” The people it was meant to be a jab at didn’t reply, but it made me realize that I have some amazing friends. I got a text almost instantly from a friend of mine who went back to school in Michigan this past weekend. We were at a coffee shop discussing what was worrying him and I talked him through a situation that he was dealing with, and this weekend we were texting for a while about what a hot mess my life is at the moment. It was amazing to have him there as a support system, especially given that he’s states away and busy with his own stuff. And last night I spent time with one of my other favorites who even made dinner for me. It was the sweetest. He’s the sweetest. I love these boys.
So, you know, I have some really crappy luck when it comes to guys. But I also have some of the best men in my life; they’re an amazing support system and I adore them. I’m kind of lucky to have found two great, straight men that are so willing to talk me through my struggles and listen to even the nonsense associated with my love life.